I have become increasing uncomfortable with the concept of
Same-Sex Marriage recently.
Now before you reach out to delete me from your contacts
list, I should explain! I am perfectly
happy with two men or two women marrying each other – I would even go so far as
to say that I believe that recognition of Same-Sex Marriage is the latest stage
of our deepening understanding as Christians of the very nature of marriage
itself.
The problem I have is with the name.
Sex has always been a stumbling block for Christians. For most people in churches, it’s super-embarrassing
to talk about – if they can bring themselves to talk about it at all. Most churches are still very Victorian in
their approach to sex and the sum total of teaching on sex in most Evangelical
churches consists of:
- Don’t do it before you get married
- Don’t talk about it when you have got married.
- Don’t let your children do it before they get married.
Yet when the church talks about relationships between two men
or two women – the thoughts and concerns of most church-goers and church
leaders immediately go to ‘Sex’. Terms
like “practising homosexual” and “same-sex acts” seek to define what more
conservative Christians regard as sinful but they only serve to exacerbate the
problem. It’s all about sex!
I have a gay friend who noticed an elderly gentleman at
church looking at him strangely, week after week, at church. Finally the elderly gentleman plucked up the
courage to say to my friend, “I can’t do it – no matter how hard I try I can’t
imagine what it must be like for you having sex with a man!” My friend was
horrified and replied, “Then please don’t!
Let me release you from feeling that you have to!”
When David Ison (Dean of St Paul’s Cathedral) was a Canon in
Exeter Diocese, he found himself leading a number of seminars on sexuality. At the beginning of each seminar, he began by
asking the participants to get into small groups and talk about their
sex-life. As the look of horror spread
across usually composed, calm faces, he let them off the hook saying, “It’s
private isn’t it, so why do we think it is OK to discuss a gay person’s sex
life?”
As an evangelical gay priest once wrote, “When we talk about married people, we do
not suddenly imagine them having sex and then rush to affirm it as a good
thing. Instead, we naturally think in terms of relationships, families and
communities. There is no reason why we should think differently about gay relationships.
It is tragic that so many evangelicals collude with the world in sexualizing
gay people. If we could talk about love instead of about sex, we might well
find that we have distinctively Christian things to say to gay people.”
It is truly bizarre that when it comes to heterosexual
courting, we emphasise developing the relationship as of primary importance –
not sex. But when it comes to homosexual
relationships, the first concern of the average evangelical church is sex – not
relationship. Perhaps that is why gay or
lesbian couples are made to feel so unwelcome – because they ‘make us’ think
about sex in church!
So here’s the thing…
Why are we perpetuating this by talking about Same-SEX Marriage? For nervous Christians it has the dreaded
word right at the centre of the phrase, thereby reminding them of everything
they feel uncomfortable about – not just for gay couples but also for
themselves – and it perpetuates a subliminal impression that gay marriage is
all about sex. Newsflash: History has proved beyond any doubt that gay
couples don’t need to get married to have sex!
As a result, I am going to break the habit of colluding with
this. It will take some time, but from
now on, I will be talking about Same-GENDER
Marriage (which is actually what we have been talking about all along).
Gender is a much more neutral word and crucially, it is the
true heart of the issue whether you are in favour of marriage between two men
or two women, or against it. Same-Gender
Marriage is less emotive, less confrontational, and points to the real pinch
point in the theological debate.
I also hope this will catch on so that we can de-sexualise
the whole debate about marriage – and start to de-sexualise our attitudes
toward same-gender couples and LGBT people.
Why don’t you do the same?