Part 2 of the amazing things God did during my recent trip to Hong Kong for a
celebration of Jackie Pullinger’s ministry.
Jackie’s Jubilee celebrations were a joy and a delight. It was almost 30 years since I was a helper
at St Stephen’s Society and yet as I walked into the worship marquee on the
site of the old Walled City, the sense of praise and worship was just as
strong, just a vibrant as all those years ago.
God did some amazing things in me during the weekend. I have already written about one strand, but
there was more. Another special thing God
did, was to heal me of a deep scar which had been inhibiting my Christian life and
ministry for over a decade.
Thirteen years ago, when I was a vicar in Brixton, London, my
wife Mel suffered a horrific road accident.
She was dragged under the wheels of an 18-ton truck while riding her
bicycle and when the truck came to a stop, her pelvis was shattered, half of
one thigh was missing and she had huge wounds.
Mel was blessed to survive for which we thank God, but the
accident led to months and months in hospital, scores of operations, and
immense pain. Even with all the medical
technology available, it took 3 years for her wounds to finally close, with
painful daily dressings, procedures, and infections all adding to her agony.
For me it was almost unbearable, to watch her going through
such pain. Even when maxed out on morphine and other pain relief, the pain was
more than she could bear. So I sat with
her, holding her hand and praying for God to take away (or just reduce) the
pain. I did this day after day, week
after week, month after month. Around
the UK, hundreds of people were also praying for the same thing. I don’t know
why, but our prayers were not answered.
Her agony continued unabated.
The effect of this on my faith is hard to express. In Hong Kong thirty year ago, I had prayed
every day for new brothers coming off heroin and I had seen God do wonderful
things. After a while I had to remind
myself that we were seeing miracles almost every day as God took away their
pain and suffering. Yet now, for the
person who I loved more than anyone else in the world, those prayers went unanswered.
As the weeks and months rolled on, a kind of fatigue set
in. It became harder and harder to pray for
healing, until one day I realised that I couldn’t minister to people in prayer
anymore. I could say prayers for them – but I couldn’t minister to others in
prayer like I did before.
As a vicar, this was really difficult. People often ask vicars for prayer for all
kinds of different things. Before Mel’s
accident I would instinctively say “Right – lets pray then!” and spend time
with them, seeking God and ministering in the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I saw God act directly, sometimes
not, but now I found myself unable to do that anymore. I was even frightened of people asking me for
prayer. If they did, I would often
promise to remember them in my prayers, and even say a short prayer, but there
was no expectation – it had all been drained away. I knew this wasn’t right. It was like a dark cold wall cutting a part
of me off from God and the ministry he had called me to.
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| Walled City before its demolition |
So as I came back to Hong Kong for Jackie’s Jubilee, I came with
both hope and fear.
Hopeful that God
would do something in me but fearful that he wouldn’t, that the dark cold wall
would remain.
Over the weekend a wonderful thing happened. In the praise and worship, in the prayer
ministry I received and in the profound sense of God’s presence there, God
melted that cold dark wall. I didn’t
even realise it was happening at first, but by the second day, I remembered the
principle we were always encouraged to embrace at St Stephen's Society. If you aren’t receiving ministry, go look for
someone else who needs ministry and pray with them.
After so many years of not being able to pray for others, I
suddenly realised that I was ministering to others again. I was laying my hands on them, and expecting
God to speak and act. I had my eyes open
again, looking for what God was doing. I
was listening for God’s prompting again.
I couldn’t believe it and tears of gratitude came to my eyes.
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| Walled City Park today |
God melted my cold dark wall of pain on the site of the old Walled
City.
I still don’t know why my prayers for Mel went
unanswered. I am not sure that I ever
will. But I know that God’s love has set
me free from needing to know and from the paralysing scar which had become a
part of me.
On the last day of the Jubilee, I sensed God wanted to speak
to me, and I wrote down these words.
You thought
that you had lost, but in fact, you have won.
You have come
through the fire
and you have
stood fast in the days of darkness.
Now my
refining fire comes to cleanse and heal you;
not to burn
you, but to bring out your inner beauty
and enable you
to shine with my glory.
You are my
child, and I am your Father.
To God be the glory.
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