Government proposals on same-sex marriage has driven
marriage to the top of the religious agenda with campaigns and
counter-campaigns springing up left, right, and centre in the battle over the
‘definition’ of marriage. From the
accusations which have been levied against the proposals - that redefining
marriage will destroy it - you would think that our current definition must be
some sort of magic wand for family happiness, and that any tampering would rob
it of it s power.
The truth, of course, is nothing of the kind. It is arguable that the greatest threat to
marriage comes not from any proposed re-definition, but from the way in which
it is treated by the ‘heterosexual community’.
Indeed it is not difficult to find same-sex couples who say they
wouldn’t want to marry even if it were possible, because their observations of
marriage have led them to conclude that it is a bankrupt institution.
But I believe in marriage.
I believe in it from personal experience – my wife and I
have been married for over 20 years, and that relationship has been the bedrock
of our family life through some very difficult times. It has brought us joy and fulfilment, and I
can honestly say that I am more in love with my wife today than the day we
married.
I believe in it for theological reasons – because when I
read the Bible, I see God recognising our need for the ‘other’ who enables us
to be more complete. ‘It is not good for
the man to be alone’ says God about Adam in the Garden of Eden.
I believe in marriage from the experience of marrying people
who have come to churches where I have ministered – because of the hope, joy
and excitement which I see in their eyes, and the way we have talked as I have
helped to prepare them for married life.
But that does not make Marriage a magic wand which, once
waved over a love-struck couple, will cement them together in wedded bliss for
the rest of their lives. As a friend of
mine said recently, ‘marriage is a process not a destination’.
Which is why I am very interested in a new marriage campaign
which has been launched by a High Court Judge in family law with over 30 years’
experience of dealing with marriages which have gone wrong and ended up in the
courts.
The aim of The Marriage Foundation is ‘to be a national
champion (advocate) for marriage, strengthening the institution for the benefit
of children, adults and society as a whole.’
Certainly marriage is in desperate need of being strengthened.
When I have talked with 13 year olds in schools about their
attitudes to marriage, a bewildering array of opinions and experiences have
emerged - some positive, but many sadly cynical at such a young age.
When I have talked to couples wanting to get married in
church and explained that I would want to meet them a number of times before
their wedding to talk with them about the vows they are planning to take and
about how to make their marriage life-giving and life-long, most have been
initially surprised but then very
appreciative. ‘Everyone else is just
focused on the wedding day’ they tell me, and they value the chance to talk
about the much more important issue – the rest of their lives together.
When we talk about the difference between ‘I do’ (on film
and TV) and ‘I will’ (in the marriage service) or about areas which make or
break a marriage (like money, sex, and power) I see light-bulbs starting to
light up in their minds. When I take
them though the vows they are going to make to each other ‘for better, for
worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’ and ask them “Are you
sure you are ready to make these promises?” many say to me that they had never
even read the vows before, let alone think about whether they were ready to make
such life-defining promises to the other.
It is ironic that most people would study the details of a
mortgage contract with far more care than their marriage vows – yet which is
more important and far reaching?
Good preparation for marriage is not a magic wand either,
and I know of some couples I have married where the marriage has still ended in
divorce – but at least it ensures that they set off heading in the right
direction.
Which brings me to my last statement of faith today – I
believe in church marriage.
I say this because I believe that getting married in church
provides the opportunity for the best possible start to married life. That is not because of the richness of the
ceremony, or the religious setting or even the prayers – but because the vows
that are made in parish churches spell out the commitment which is involved in
marriage far beyond those of civil ceremonies and I know that many of my
colleagues in parish ministry take the trouble to help prepare couples for
their married life in a way which is simply not available anywhere else.
Marriage is not an outdated bankrupt institution – neither
is it simply a piece of paper – it is a living bond between two people which
has the capacity to be life-giving and life-long. When it achieves this potential, it enriches
both family life and society as a whole.
I believe in marriage.
